How To Be More Positive And Avoid The Need For Constant Validation
However positive, sociable, approachable and caring we try to be, and however much positive feedback and affirmation we receive, either formally or informally, a voice inside of us all seeks out validation. If you think of the most assured and confident manager or leader in your workplace, someone who is the best, most successful Salesperson for example, or the person who leads the Marketing Team to great heights, they both look supremely capable yet even such Gods will tell you that they look for validation from those around them.
Beneath the veneer of success and confidence, all of us wrestle with a deep-seated need for approval. Getting nods of approval feed this alongside, more importantly, reactions that are either neutral or negative. Even when trusting our own individual experiences we look to others to get some consensus from colleagues: very rarely would we go out on a limb without thinking that we will be exposed and that we had not obtained that key set of approvals for our actions and direction.
Wanting to feel accepted and valued by others is a natural desire no matter your position within the organisation. On the other hand, being overly dependent upon the views and opinions of others is a dangerous place to be. especially if that means compromising your own views and opinions. If you are already at that point, things need to change because you have gone too far.
Good management is all about striking the balance between trusting yourself and putting value and worth on the views of others.
The following pointers should give you some strategies to balance these forces.
- Take time to sense check what is going on: use your “Gut Check” so that you can pause and analyse the situation to see if your automatic responses are actually working for the benefit of you and your Team. This will allow you to counter-balance the things that drive you internally (personal values or ethics) and external drivers (desire for praise, fear of negative feedback). Always ask yourself the question: “Is this the right thing to do for me or am I doing this to please others?” Challenge your assumptions by arguing against your own beliefs
- Identify and think about your own opinions first: do not be swayed by those around you. What DO YOU think about the situation? Avoid the situation where you conform so that you are seen as a Team player above all else. Get into the relevant details, think it through, see the feedback of others and come to your own thoughts on the subject. This is NOT about being stubborn or difficult but it is all about having clarity on the matter.
- Adopt the Helicopter Syndrome: rise above the topic or problem that you are dealing with and think about the bigger picture. What are the implications of the situation and how will this shape your thinking? This allows you to zoom in and of the issue so that your worst fears are put into perspective.
- Allow time to reflect: give yourself 24 hours or so before jumping into anything if you can. This allows time for calm decision making and increases the likelihood of you being on the right side of a decision, even if it means not following the proverbial crowd.
Never be afraid to stand up for what you believe in: rejection and setbacks are part of the leadership journey, rather than a judgement on your capabilities.
Work on moving from consciously avoiding disapproval to learning and growing from it.
Good Luck!
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